In this week’s episode of the Awkward Sex Show, my sister proselytizes about her love of sodomy.
I actually just wanted to make sure I used the word proselytize at least once in this post, because when I was little I was constantly mixing up the meanings of that and prostate and prostrate, which are pretty important words to not mix up. But let’s all just sit silently for a second and think about how weirdly related those words all are - to bow down before someone, to stand in front of and try to convert someone, and then prostate actually comes from a greek word which means “to come before” because ancient anatomists saw the prostate as coming before the testes.
Even more than butt stuff, I think my sister is obsessed with Tumblr. It’s like all the love she couldn’t find for facebook or twitter, she found here. We are like polar internet soul oppposites. Someday we should do family counseling and figure out what that means.
Ramon Rivas is our guest host this week, and he’s got a classic story about ‘accidentally’ sticking it in a girl’s asshole. He claims it happened because he wasn’t wearing his glasses. I call bullshit, no pun intended. If you’re not sure which hole it is you’re about to enter, feel that shit out first. SO MANY PUNS. Because one hole should be soaking wet (if you’re doing it right) and the other will be a clenched up little dry spot. Big difference. Also I have a lot of deep seated resentment towards the Surprise Attack move, because that happened to me a few times when I was younger, it was incredibly painful, and it pretty much turned me off anal forever. So guys, never do that. It just creates more women in the world who will let you do less stuff to them.
Carey’s story is about how when she tried it the first, they used olive oil as lube…
Well listen, if it’s one thing you have to respect about my sister, it’s her ingenuity in the face of ignorance.
This reminds me of when we were children, and she told me she tried rolling up lawn grass in construction paper and smoking it, because she had read about smoking grass in one of our dad’s books.
She also points out that she thinks anal sex is something you should do with someone who really loves you, and will lose their erection immediately as soon as they see you in pain. I will admit, that statement makes me want to try anal even less. But it does bring up a concept I’ve been mulling around since I turned 30 and still hadn’t given up the butt to anyone - Anal as My Second Virginity.
I dated a guy for a long time who wanted to try anal, and I would always push it off saying I wasn’t ready. To his credit, he never pressured me, but it became sort of a unspoken future prize between us, like someday for his birthday or something I would let him do it. Then we broke up, and when we started having Ex Sex, he mentioned that I should let him do it now, because he had waited for it. And I realized that I wasn’t going to, because I only wanted to try anal with someone I really loved and really trusted, and while I trusted him physically, I didn’t trust him emotionally.
Which is a weirdly sentimental way to think about getting fucked in the ass. But I lost my actual virginity when I was 15, and too young to have any romantic feelings about it. So I sorta like this idea that I do still have something, one thing, that can be just between me and my life partner. And nobody else can have it. Unless they put a ring on it.
Not in it.
Anyway, the rest of the episode is stories about anal sex, so I probably don’t need to talk that up anymore. But lastly, I’d just like to state that Joe Whelan grows immensely in my estimation every single time he’s on this show. Joe, I never gave you enough credit for being a wonderful man when I was in town.