This episode of ASS was filmed on a dock. In Cleveland. There are not too many good things that you can expect to find on a dock. In Cleveland. But this year’s Ingenuity Fest was held there a week ago, and ASS was there to take advantage of drunk people who want to sit down for a minute. So as you listen, imagine yourself in a dark parking lot, with the stadium glowing in the background and everyone wearing light fall jackets. The faint scene of pot drifting in from parked cars on the crisp September breeze.
The theme this week was Getting Laid Through Comedy. Two things. One, this show is obviously stacked with all comedian guests, so kind of an easy show. ITwo, I think my favorite part of these episodes now that I’m out of town is listening to Carey have to bite her tongue with each special guest host. This week it’s Drew Michael, and I swear the part where Drew says he doesn’t wear condoms, and you can just hear the tone in Carey’s voice change, when it just becomes this guarded deep sarcasm that’s trying to escape from her lungs, and she’s just smiling through it?
“I generally only have sex with hetero white girls..” he says.
“Oh, cause you think we’re clean, uh huh…” she replies, and I swear it’s like you’re AT one of our holiday family dinners.
I’m not going to give you a play by play, but here are some of my thoughts.
Drew tells a story about fucking a girl who has a restraining order against him, in the green room of the Lakeshore Theater on it’s last night open. And Carey brings up the idea of jacking off later to the victory of the whole episode. God, I think Victory Masturbation is just the best. Some of my favorite scenes to use are times when I won, sneaking in some place really good, or totally getting someone I wanted without having to do anything. The time I hooked up with the guy I’d been in love with in 4th grade, and he told me I sucked dick like a porn star? Victory scene. The time my ex totally called me after a summer of not talking to him, just because I made him a mixtape, and the first time we fucked after that? Victory scene.
Look, I am terrified of hooking up with comedians. After any time I did, I always freaked out thinking they would be telling jokes about me on their next podcast, or I would get worked in their routine somehow. It’s difficult being a fat girl and trusting the guy who makes fun of people for a living enough to get naked in front of him. And now that I’ve been doing stand up myself, I know my fears are TOTALLY JUSTIFIED. Because I will use anything for material, and I’ve get sex stories I switch out depending on if any of them are in the room that night. I think I must be a terrible person.
But jesus, I would fuck David Drake in a mexican meth lab heartbeat. Look at those arms. I would change that boy’s life, I swear to god.
Um, except the part where he talks about being at a Muse concert, and Carey (being a pure cultured being like all of our bloodline) asks “What the hell is Muse?” David responds, “It’s a cool band!” No Carey, no it’s not. Sorry David, Kenny DeForest barely holds onto the title of Hottest Comedian in Chicago Who I Would Totally Humiliate Myself For, and it’s basically because of Muse, no lie. But I could stare at your upper arms for like 3 days.
The Puterbaugh Sisters are in from Chicago too. Danielle’s got the story of the Ghostface Fuck. Tiffany advises that fisting is like “sticking your hand in a package of gushers.” Apparently the sisters went to Tina’s a lot while they were in town. Fisting is definitely an activity I associate with Tina’s, so it fits.
Man, gushers makes me want a jello shot.
And our last guest, Mike Polk. brings up an interesting idea -themed apartments. A beach theme with mechanical jumping dolphins, huh? It reminds me of the stripper I was friends with, who turned her entire Lakewood basement apartment into a zoo. Like, the tortoise had his own enclosure with rocks and a pond, and it took up half her living room floorspace. The other half was occupied with a giant custom made tree/bird cage. She eventually married a Polish computer programmer who built her a house in Oklahoma, and she went back to school for zoology. Something tells me Beach Theme Girl has not fared as well.
Don’t forget to come see ASS tape live at Reddstone, Tuesday nights at 10pm. This week’s theme is sluts. I think it has a nicer title, but basically about being a slut. Did you know everyone in Cleveland is basically a giant slut? I don’t think we realize it, cause we’re comparing each other to ourselves. But all anyone does down here is fingerbang, and it’s like unheard to sleep together on the first date? And audiences don’t like to laugh at graphic sex jokes. It’s super weird, I feel like a huge whore. I’ll definitely talk more about that next week.
Love from a Bed Somewhere in Wilmington, Bridget