Clevelands Back!!! (by rkliveapp)
Check out live comedy in Cleveland check out www.chucklefck.com
For info on when Bobby is coming back to Cleveland, visit www.robertkellylive.com
In this week’s episode of the Awkward Sex Show, my sister proselytizes about her love of sodomy.
I actually just wanted to make sure I used the word proselytize at least once in this post, because when I was little I was constantly mixing up the meanings of that and prostate and prostrate, which are pretty important words to not mix up. But let’s all just sit silently for a second and think about how weirdly related those words all are - to bow down before someone, to stand in front of and try to convert someone, and then prostate actually comes from a greek word which means “to come before” because ancient anatomists saw the prostate as coming before the testes.
Even more than butt stuff, I think my sister is obsessed with Tumblr. It’s like all the love she couldn’t find for facebook or twitter, she found here. We are like polar internet soul oppposites. Someday we should do family counseling and figure out what that means.
Ramon Rivas is our guest host this week, and he’s got a classic story about ‘accidentally’ sticking it in a girl’s asshole. He claims it happened because he wasn’t wearing his glasses. I call bullshit, no pun intended. If you’re not sure which hole it is you’re about to enter, feel that shit out first. SO MANY PUNS. Because one hole should be soaking wet (if you’re doing it right) and the other will be a clenched up little dry spot. Big difference. Also I have a lot of deep seated resentment towards the Surprise Attack move, because that happened to me a few times when I was younger, it was incredibly painful, and it pretty much turned me off anal forever. So guys, never do that. It just creates more women in the world who will let you do less stuff to them.
Carey’s story is about how when she tried it the first, they used olive oil as lube…
Well listen, if it’s one thing you have to respect about my sister, it’s her ingenuity in the face of ignorance.
This reminds me of when we were children, and she told me she tried rolling up lawn grass in construction paper and smoking it, because she had read about smoking grass in one of our dad’s books.
She also points out that she thinks anal sex is something you should do with someone who really loves you, and will lose their erection immediately as soon as they see you in pain. I will admit, that statement makes me want to try anal even less. But it does bring up a concept I’ve been mulling around since I turned 30 and still hadn’t given up the butt to anyone - Anal as My Second Virginity.
I dated a guy for a long time who wanted to try anal, and I would always push it off saying I wasn’t ready. To his credit, he never pressured me, but it became sort of a unspoken future prize between us, like someday for his birthday or something I would let him do it. Then we broke up, and when we started having Ex Sex, he mentioned that I should let him do it now, because he had waited for it. And I realized that I wasn’t going to, because I only wanted to try anal with someone I really loved and really trusted, and while I trusted him physically, I didn’t trust him emotionally.
Which is a weirdly sentimental way to think about getting fucked in the ass. But I lost my actual virginity when I was 15, and too young to have any romantic feelings about it. So I sorta like this idea that I do still have something, one thing, that can be just between me and my life partner. And nobody else can have it. Unless they put a ring on it.
Not in it.
Anyway, the rest of the episode is stories about anal sex, so I probably don’t need to talk that up anymore. But lastly, I’d just like to state that Joe Whelan grows immensely in my estimation every single time he’s on this show. Joe, I never gave you enough credit for being a wonderful man when I was in town.
Dave Hill is one of the funniest, weirdest, charmingest comedians working today. While checking out his act is highly recommended, you can tide yourself over with his podcast. It’s a fairly straightforward use of the form, but it’s hosted by Dave Hill, which is reason enough to tune into anything. Plus, awesome guests, including Gabe Liedman, Ahm Mingus, and Joe Mande.
Follow Dave on Twitter, and check him out on WitStream.
This episode of ASS was filmed on a dock. In Cleveland. There are not too many good things that you can expect to find on a dock. In Cleveland. But this year’s Ingenuity Fest was held there a week ago, and ASS was there to take advantage of drunk people who want to sit down for a minute. So as you listen, imagine yourself in a dark parking lot, with the stadium glowing in the background and everyone wearing light fall jackets. The faint scene of pot drifting in from parked cars on the crisp September breeze.
The theme this week was Getting Laid Through Comedy. Two things. One, this show is obviously stacked with all comedian guests, so kind of an easy show. ITwo, I think my favorite part of these episodes now that I’m out of town is listening to Carey have to bite her tongue with each special guest host. This week it’s Drew Michael, and I swear the part where Drew says he doesn’t wear condoms, and you can just hear the tone in Carey’s voice change, when it just becomes this guarded deep sarcasm that’s trying to escape from her lungs, and she’s just smiling through it?
“I generally only have sex with hetero white girls..” he says.
“Oh, cause you think we’re clean, uh huh…” she replies, and I swear it’s like you’re AT one of our holiday family dinners.
I’m not going to give you a play by play, but here are some of my thoughts.
Drew tells a story about fucking a girl who has a restraining order against him, in the green room of the Lakeshore Theater on it’s last night open. And Carey brings up the idea of jacking off later to the victory of the whole episode. God, I think Victory Masturbation is just the best. Some of my favorite scenes to use are times when I won, sneaking in some place really good, or totally getting someone I wanted without having to do anything. The time I hooked up with the guy I’d been in love with in 4th grade, and he told me I sucked dick like a porn star? Victory scene. The time my ex totally called me after a summer of not talking to him, just because I made him a mixtape, and the first time we fucked after that? Victory scene.
Look, I am terrified of hooking up with comedians. After any time I did, I always freaked out thinking they would be telling jokes about me on their next podcast, or I would get worked in their routine somehow. It’s difficult being a fat girl and trusting the guy who makes fun of people for a living enough to get naked in front of him. And now that I’ve been doing stand up myself, I know my fears are TOTALLY JUSTIFIED. Because I will use anything for material, and I’ve get sex stories I switch out depending on if any of them are in the room that night. I think I must be a terrible person.
But jesus, I would fuck David Drake in a mexican meth lab heartbeat. Look at those arms. I would change that boy’s life, I swear to god.
Um, except the part where he talks about being at a Muse concert, and Carey (being a pure cultured being like all of our bloodline) asks “What the hell is Muse?” David responds, “It’s a cool band!” No Carey, no it’s not. Sorry David, Kenny DeForest barely holds onto the title of Hottest Comedian in Chicago Who I Would Totally Humiliate Myself For, and it’s basically because of Muse, no lie. But I could stare at your upper arms for like 3 days.
The Puterbaugh Sisters are in from Chicago too. Danielle’s got the story of the Ghostface Fuck. Tiffany advises that fisting is like “sticking your hand in a package of gushers.” Apparently the sisters went to Tina’s a lot while they were in town. Fisting is definitely an activity I associate with Tina’s, so it fits.
Man, gushers makes me want a jello shot.
And our last guest, Mike Polk. brings up an interesting idea -themed apartments. A beach theme with mechanical jumping dolphins, huh? It reminds me of the stripper I was friends with, who turned her entire Lakewood basement apartment into a zoo. Like, the tortoise had his own enclosure with rocks and a pond, and it took up half her living room floorspace. The other half was occupied with a giant custom made tree/bird cage. She eventually married a Polish computer programmer who built her a house in Oklahoma, and she went back to school for zoology. Something tells me Beach Theme Girl has not fared as well.
Don’t forget to come see ASS tape live at Reddstone, Tuesday nights at 10pm. This week’s theme is sluts. I think it has a nicer title, but basically about being a slut. Did you know everyone in Cleveland is basically a giant slut? I don’t think we realize it, cause we’re comparing each other to ourselves. But all anyone does down here is fingerbang, and it’s like unheard to sleep together on the first date? And audiences don’t like to laugh at graphic sex jokes. It’s super weird, I feel like a huge whore. I’ll definitely talk more about that next week.
Love from a Bed Somewhere in Wilmington, Bridget